Dear Walmart-Hottie Aficionados

Dear Walmart-Hottie Aficionados,

I was ambling down one of the more recessed corridors that comprise the back-end of this blog the other day, and I stumbled upon a statistic that shook me to my very core. Of those who find this blog via search engine, the VAST majority of you were originally searching for "hotties of walmart".

The second most-searched-for term among people who visit this blog? "hotties of wal mart" (with a space this time).

In fact, of the top ten search keywords that lead people to click on this blog, five have something to do with people in a Walmart- hot, trashy, female, or otherwise.

Evidently a full 77% of you stumble upon this blog while searching for softcore Walmart porn

The reason that my blog comes up during your quest for Walmart hotties is because of two pictures I posted last year in a letter to Aldi-

The picture on top is just a mash-up I made from two People of Walmart posts, and the picture on the bottom... well I think we can all see what that is; let us speak of it no more.

I can only imagine how disappointed you all must be when your hunt for Walmart hotties dead-ends at my blog. I imagine you squinting at your computer screen in a dimly lit room and trying to read words like "compunction," and "gastronomical," while your Walmart hottie hardon slowly withers away.

...Or maybe not. I looked through a lot of Walmart "hotties" before I created the duo you see above. Those two are about as good as it gets- a fuzzy, fifty-year-old histrionic grandma in midlife crisis and a blurry, off-duty stripper doing some after-work shopping. The ill-attired landmonster below might even have provided the sharp contrast that really helps you Walmart hottie voyeurs get your rocks off. On second thought, maybe my blog is exactly what you were looking for. Maybe I slapped your Walmart hottie fetish right on its horny little everyday-low-prices G-spot.

So this is what draws you in. Not my genius posts. Not silver-tongued satire or a sharp vocabulary skillfully wielded. Not thoughtful metaphors or carefully constructed social commentary. A timely critisicm of the American healthcare system? Meh. A wry rib at Howie Mandel's germophobia? Nah. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde fucking my aunt Cindy doggy-style? "Show us blurry cellphone pics of trashy, sort-of-attractive women at Walmart!" -Anonymous Guy from the Back Row.

You know what? I will.

If that's what the people want then that's what they'll get. And I'll give it to you like you've never seen before. I think I've got the formula for this fetish figured out, and I'm going to ram a big trashy load straight through your optic nerve and out the back of your mushy, Walmart-loving skulls. It's going to be like People of Walmart and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition fucked each other's brains out, drilled through your eyelids and then gave birth to their malformed lovechild, deposited directly onto your retinas.

This is straight up Walmart hottie fantasy art; Walmart hotties as you've only seen them in your wet dreams.

Surfer Girl was hot before, but now that I see her smooth tanned ass in a Walmart parking lot next to that pair of sweaty, flesh-colored tube socks filled with oatmeal, I think... I think I'm going to... yeah, I just came.

The rolls of blubber, the perfect breasts, the matching skin tones, the trying-to-be-clever discount greeting cards- it's all too much. BLoooop. Just splooged again.

"Oh my, (laughs coyly) how did this herd of lumbering cart trolls manage to roll into the background of our photo shoot with this unbelievably hot sex goddess? Ooops. Oh, she's getting so dirty on that filthy Walmart floor. Yes, she's a dirty girl, but she doesn't mind. She likes that greasy, disease-festering floor."

This Walmart hottie is such a spoiled bitch. Look at her playfully holding that beach ball and showing off her well-oiled thighs in front of that staggering landwhale. I bet she's saying, "Hey, look over here, stupid fatso. Look how hot I am."

Of course maybe my theory about hotties looking hotter by comparison with gross Walmartness is all wrong. Maybe you guys love Walmart. It is filled with great deals, after all. Maybe a hottie in Walmart is like icing on a cake; all the great things in life brought together under one orgasm-inducing, industrial-trussed roof. Maybe a hottie in Walmart is like George Costanza's Trifecta. That's why I made this picture- a writhing Bipasha Basu at the center of the hustling, bustling bargain universe. Walmart in all its glory.

I think the signs in the background say it all.

Then again, maybe it's not the grossness, but rather the weirdness of Walmart that make it such an arousing foil for the erotic. Oh, Eva Mendes, what are you doing under that horse? You're going to get trampled one of these days.

And of course I don't want to assume that everyone who typed in "hotties of walmart" was looking for boobs. Maybe they were looking for a boy wearing a mankini in the sporting goods aisle. Oh... he's sporting the goods alright.

I think that's enough for one dose. I assume most of you spent your load after the first picture or two anyway. Don't forget to throw away all of those used tissues before your mom comes down into the basement and wants to use the computer. Oh, and I expect like a trillion page views in exchange for whoring out my blog this month.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Braff